I am a little more stupid

Today I decided to pick up my courage and visit someone that I hate - THE DENTIST.

I hate the dentist cos everytime I go there, it will hurt me. Yet I HAD to go cos my tooth was aching. This is one kind of pain that I will never wan to look back at.

I decided to change another dentist cos the previous one who did the fillings didnt really last. Just about 1 year old the fillings dropped. But I am hesitant to go to this dentist cos the last round the whole drill fell apart in my mouth.

But I decided to go to the 2nd one cos it is quite established. Q&M seems to be everywhere. I booked 2 appointments - 1 for today and 1 for tomorrow cos I figured out with my teeth's condition, I dun think 1 day they can finish (speaking from experience)

I went in shivering not because of the cold. But the fear of sitting in the dentist chair and smelling the antiseptic smell and being surrounded by the metal instruments and tools that would somehow end up in my mouth....

The dentist asked how am I doing. I told her not very good (how can be good when I have to visit her). I told her my problem. I have to have a filling done on my rite bottom (molar) and 1 filling to be done on my left top (last tooth).

She looked at my teeth and told me some grim news. I had to have the left top wisdom tooth removed. I looked at her in shock. I asked if I needed to come back anoother day. She said she can take it out today, now, on the spot. I was like ???????

Ok lor. Please go ahead.

She sprayed some numbing, bitter liquid onto my gums but majority fell on my tongue and bottom set of teeth. Then that BIG FAT NEEDLE came in front of my eyes.

My already trembling hands and body shook even more. Then the needle went in 3 times. After tat, I rinsed my mouth but I felt my body go limp cos I was trembling too much.

Then they told me to take 2 panadols and 1 antiseptic tablet before I did anything else (on an empty stomach) so I just guai guai follow instructions.

Then she worked on my right bottom molar and filled it up without anesthetic (cool rite). So it took her 8mins to fill my bottom left molar.

The dentist was looking at me with a metal tool in her hand and she said not to be afraid - she just wanted to test if my tooth was numbed. Then suddenly the nurse grabbed my head. I was simply terrified. I nearly died cos I tot wat in the hell were they trying to do.

The dentist pushed and pushed and finally my wisdom tooth fell onto my tongue. The feeling was the same when the drill fell apart in my mouth. I asked to keep the tooth.

Then instructions were given to me not to rinse my mouth for the next 2 hours, not to eat hot food for the next 2 hours, not to bite on hard food till the next day, and I had to bite on the gauze hard for the next hour and change the dressing in 1 hours' time.

And I was given panadols and antiseptic tablets for the next couple of days and I only had 1 days' MC and I had to come back tomorrow cos I had more to be filled. The damage - S$145. CHEAP!

Then I nearly killed the taxi driver cos I was already mumbling as I had a gauze in my mouth and he was trying to make small talk and he asked me a question every 20 seconds like how to get to your place, which road you want to take, do you wan me to turn at tis junction, ave 8 or ave 9, IMH side or which side, how you wan to get to hougang plaza, is this rivervale, where to stop, this way also can wat, u sure u wan to u-turn, u sure turn left, u sure 2nd junction turn????...... I SNAPPED at him.

I told him, uncle, I already said HOUGANG PLAZA side. He kept quiet. Then finally when I reached my destination I told him sorry cos I just pulled my tooth tat's why I dun wan to talk. He said oh I didnt understand. USE YOUR BIRD BRAIN LA.

And now I can feel the anesthetic starting to wear off slowly and I really really really really really hope that the 2 panadols I took earlier on starts to kick in......

By the way, the dentist was really nice. She looks like an aunty to me but she really coaxed me like a little kid. Rina is rite - they should send the dentist for psychological courses cos 99% of the people who see them FEARS them. hahahahahaha.

I will be fine, except maybe a little more stupid cos I am missing 1 wisdom tooth = lesser wisdom. Hahahahahahaha.

Life is great!

Tomorrow will be the 1st day of December. Wow. So fast the year is coming to the last month and coming to an end.

Reflecting on wat I have done for the year. Hmmmm....

Pretty satisfied with my progress in terms of career, in terms of being a housewife, in terms of being a wife, in terms of being a mum, in terms of being myself. Of cos certain areas didnt do well, but on the whole, I felt that at least I have laughed, i have smiled and I have been happy before today.... So on the whole I am quite satisfied.

Of cos there is still room to improve some where. Like I could be a better wife, I could be a better housewife and maybe in terms of personal enhancement - wanted to go study more. I think there are so many places where I can still improve. But no one's perfect.

When i think of the tutorials, the lectures, the nite classes, the tests, the EXAMS.... well I am scared I cannot cope. But its ok if I cannot cope. Cos I dun need to have more certificates under my name to be ME.

I remember my 1st failure. I was in primary 3 when I failed my maths. I think I got 40+ only. My mum's reaction was like???!!!! My reaction was like - well, fail then fail lor. Wat's the big deal? Failing doesn't stop me from doing anything wat. I am still me. :)

Sometimes in life we do fail here and there. Sometimes things are not up to us. We have tried our best but still dun get wat we wan. Its ok. At least I tried. :) And I know that the next time I do the same thing again, I will do better cos I know more now. :)

The world still holds many wonderful things like living creatures, like people who love me and the people I love. Sometimes I get sooooooo stressed by work, by housework and stressed by myself (cos my standard high ma)....... I stop to breathe. I stop to look around me. I stop to remember the beautiful memories I had in my mind. And I can see hope, I can see Love, I can see happiness because I have people I love around me and there are people who love me around me!!!! I have friends, I have family, I have Junior and Terror and most importantly..... I HAVE MYSELF!!!!

It feels kinda cool to be able to entertain yourself. Like playing dota, like playing The SIMS, like playing mahjong, like playing Play station and shhhhhhhh sometimes I play with kenji's PSP too. Heehee.

And of cos caring for others makes me feel good too. When my best friend is happy I am happy too. When my godsons are happy, I am happy too. When my family is happy, I am happy too!!!!!

Everyday I will enjoy myself, because life itself is a journey that needs to be appreciated. All the sweet, sour, bitter and pain are part of the journey itself. If we dun taste the bitter, how would we know the sweet? If we compare, I take something bland I cannot taste the sweetness. If I take something bitter, than take the sweet immediately I can taste the sweetness and forget the bitter rite?

When I feel down (of cos everyone feels down in life sometimes), I will look into the mirror and tell myself that I am great!!! Cos i cannot give up on myself. i have to take care of myself, or else how to take care of others rite? I LOVE MYSELF!!! And of cos I love others too!!!!! *Muacks*

I had a fall in life recently. I was so stressed bout work that my shoulders were soooo tight. I cringed everytime I had to go to work. I didnt want to go back to office to face my boss cos I am so scared she will scream and scold me. That sickening feeling of fear, of feeling down literally stayed inside me for quite a while.

But when i faced it, it didnt look so scary lor. When I faced it, I told myself that its ok. Even if I failed, at least I tried and no one will blame me. Even if someone blame me, just let them say whatever they wan. I dun care! Cos I tried my best!!!! Doesn't mean I fail, I have lost. In fact, I have won cos I am able to look at failure in its face. So now everyday I tell myself to look at it in the face. How bad can it get? The most fail only. Wun affect anything else. Everyone still loves me! :)

So tomorrow even though I need to report to work at 7.30am and work till maybe 9pm..... its ok.... But I need to be a better wife though.... the current wife always come home after 9pm due to work..... need to improve my productivity and come home earlier to accompany Mr Lim hor? Hahahaha. :) Love you all!!!!

Yesterday once more

I am stressed. I need 300 headcounts for promoters. Yesterday I conducted 40 interviews. Today I conducted 30 interviews. I didnt have time to breathe, I didnt have time to think, I didnt have time at all.

And till now 1.30am, my brain cells are still working. Was it the coffee? Was it cos my brain was working too hard in the day?

And it is in the dark of the night, the quiet wee hours of the morning..... when I let myself relax and fall back into my memories.

Lots of time people say dun look back, dun think of the past, move on. How easy to say so. But how many people actually are able to do so? Parts and bits linger around and pounce on you when you least expect it. :)

The key to it is to really look thru it. Yes I agree that certain friendships, certain people in my life have left footprints in my life. And I do walk down memory lane hoping to immerse myself in the familiar feelings, the familiar scenes, the familiar smile, the familiar laughter, just the familiarity I missed so much.

And yes, I do not allow myself to linger. Because it was the past. And isn't it good enough that the memories are there? People say they regret not having able to continue further memories with this person they love. But I believe, the past memories were good, and the future memories may not be better. I believe, if someone is happy, let them go. Even if it hurts you, you are the only one hurting. At least they are happy. Isn't that good enough?

I am that kind of person where I can create laughter and act like a clown just to make people laugh. But I can also be the shoulder to cry on. MOst of the time I get too involved. But I am growing up and my brain is also more or less matured already (a nice way to put it as OLD). Therefore I think I am becoming like some oldies where they cannot be bothered. :)

I used to think life is good and God is kind and everything's under control. That was when I had everything I tot I had. Now the present me, thinks that life is great!! And God is really kind and NOT everything is under control. :)

Last week saturday Rina was in hospital. I hate hospitals but I hate the tot of being alone in a hospital more. Luckily she is fine now. I had a tot of wat if something happened to her. Wat will I do without her. Made me realise she is really very important in my life.

It is not easy to have someone who cares for you and loves you for who you are. Therefore I treasure all the sincere people around me who cares and loves me. It really makes my day when I have someone i can talk to at the end of the day or anytime of the day when i have problems.

:) I love you bug head Queen Mimi Cow mummy. From your bug no.7 Queen Lala Monkey Bull.

Seriously I am stressed. I can feel the strain of it on my shoulders and back. My shoulders are so tight. I need a massage. And the place I tot of was JB - the massage palour opposite Taman Gardens. I haven't tried that so I dunno if it is good but I shall ask my partner tmr cos she went JB today.

I am soooooo looking forward to the long weekend coming soon. I know I am not going anywhere far but I am planning...... :) I am going to get a new wardrobe of clothes by end of the year!!!

But 1st, I need a dentist cos my tooth is killing me.......

Bored post

Ah ha.... this time the PMS mood didnt last long. But the irritating feeling is here COS everytime I want to do my laundry and sun them, the sun disappears and the black rain clouds come. So frustrating. I have been trying to do my laundry for the whole week and to no avail.

Well. I think its time to get a washing machine with an in-built dryer. The hot dryer one... yeah!

Counting down my days to december!!!

Master

Lost in time again. Pondering on certain things in my life. Walking down memory lane.

I used to think that some people put a curse on me. Last sat I went to see a master cos my work was really really not smooth. Smallest issues escalated into BIG issues. Clients with no issues became MAJOR issues.

So went to consult this master. There was no curse, except 2 things that were following me. An old woman and a little boy. Maybe I picked them up at tat big green field with a big tree and a swing.

And I sat on that swing. And I even took photos on that swing.

But in a matter of 15 mins, they went away after the ritual - a ritual that cost a bomb and left me with only $36.82 in my bank account. Hahahhaaha........but of cos I still had cash on me la.

I dun know the old woman cos the description does not sound like my late grandma whom I loved alot. But I think I know the little boy. The little boy that was supposed to be so close to me. Well it happened years back and I dun wan to talk about it.

Anyway, bye to the both of them. Ber is in PMS mood cos "you know who" is here. I'm having backaches and cramps and that sickening, irritating, frustrating feeling inside me. Wish I can kill terror cos she is eating up EVERYTHING.....

Crap

Went to Pulau Ubin on sunday with my aunt and her friends and the 2 weasels. Aunt was quite surprised that I brought Terror along cos she asked me not to bring her, just bring Junior. How can? Terror is also my kid you know.

Was really tired when I came back. Felt slight twinge of PMS cos "you know who" was due. Had cramps on sunday nite even though "you know who" was not here yet. Was on MC on Monday. Guess when you work really hard for long periods you will get sick easily.

Woke up feeling so deprived of sleep that I didnt want to wake up at all. Then certain things just work their way thru phone calls and sms and I was on MC :) God doesn't make decisions for you. He lets you choose. :)

Tuesday went back to work till Wednesday where I still have 1 big pile of work on my table still unsolved and unsettled and complains are coming in and there are things I cannot make decisions on and HOW? TELL ME HOW?

Certain things pondering in my mind. Fed up with certain things. Like "Do people have the right to take others for granted when people have the right not to be taken granted for".

Crap. This is 1 word tat summarizes everything. Haha.

Speaking the same language

This blog post is dedicated to certain people around me who have been taking me for granted, ignoring my feelings when they lie, ignoring my feelings when they start to show their temper by banging and throwing things, scolding me, saying and doing stupid things without any consideration to my feelings. Seriously I feel I'm so taken for granted.

I do things with good intentions but I get accused of many things. And I get shouted at, I get banging of things, I get throwing of things, I get fingers pointing at me, I get criticized, I get the blame, Everyone is rite except me.

I dun understand why people raise their voices, throw things, bang things, behave like a crazy person, do and say stupid things, lie, think everyone owe them something, think they are rite, assume and accuse.

And yes of cos I get pissed off and if the intention was to piss me off, you have succeeded and you have also succeeded in making me like you LESS. And I am very adaptable. I will learn to speak the same language and in future we can communicate better by banging and throwing things to show our temper, do and say stupid things, we can lie and take each other for granted. Well. that will be the perfect way to speak the same language rite?

Whatever people can do, I can also do them and I can do even more. So dun force me. My taurus horns have been forced out over the past few days and I am certainly capable of many things.

I realised I have invested so much of my time for my kids, for their dad, for the house and I dun have time for myself. This will change. Cos I will change my priorities and I will not hesitate to have time for myself and I will not give a damn to people who are not worth my attention. These people think they have the rite to do and say things they like, well this is going to change cos I am going to be very straight forward and be very diplomatic and set up my boundaries very carefully. any invasion within my boundaries, I will not hesitate to take action against the invader.

And a note to the people who have stepped on my monkey tail. If there are things I have done wrong, I will reflect on it myself. But certain attitudes, certain words, certain behaviour from people who behave unreasonably, or behave in stupid ways I cannot accept and will not hesitate to remove them from my life.

And if you are still so stubborn thinking you are rite, then you can leave my life if I am not important to you. But there are certain things that are definately unacceptable. Of cos I will not hesitate to leave if unreasonable or unacceptable expectations are required of me, like my job and leaving people around me who dun know how to appreciate me. So if you still treasure me you better know wat to do - either you stay away totally and disappear or you decide on wat you need to do.

BBQ with Junior & Terror

Yesterday brought Terror and Junior to Seletaris condo where my colleague invited us to gather for a BBQ. Almost wanted to BBQ both of them cos they were making lots of noise. But they were sort of centre of attention cos they were bigger that rats but smaller than cats.

There was another dog which belonged to my boss - Tammy. He was really good boy. He didnt bark, he didnt pee anywhere else except grass, he just sat there and wag his tail when people sayang him. And he was very handsome with his long fine fur and smile. He is a shihtzu. Junior got very jealous of Tammy when i carried him and whenever Tammy comes near and gets attention from other people, Junior will bark at Tammy.

I think inside Junior's dictionary doesnt have this word "Fear" and "scared". Cos he dunno how to be scared and he dunno how to fear. He kept barking at the big dogs walking by and he influenced terror to bark and growl at them too.

The kids shared my hotdogs and chicken wings and we went at 7pm and came back almost 11plus. Very tired all of us.... Junior even had a nightmare that he kept making noises in the morning.

Later we going out again Wat shall we do today??? :)

Wee hours KTV

Yesterday night went karaoke alone from 2am to 6am at Partyworld. Yeah... alone. The feeling is great cos you get to have the whole bloody room to yourself and you can scream and shout and go off-key and dun need to bother about people minding or not. Went for Karaoke marathon, started the KTV by scrolling from A to Z on the female singers. But 4 hours not enough cos I havent even finished the female singers songs yet, so randomly selected the best hits for the guys.

Wanted to do a Sammi marathon - 20 songs. But by the time I reached there my throat was sore. So sang the normal songs. Think the golden hits were the best cos they were classic oldies....

Had 2 drinks to myself, the whole room to myself, the whole tv to myself, the whole environment to myself, the whole remote to myself, the whole MIC to myself!!!!! YEAH.

Then after KTV went to bradel cos needed to attend Damon's graduation this morning. Damon was really cool cos he can dance!!! Heehee....

Will upload the pics later cos I wan to go sleep now. Good nite. Lucky thing my classes cancelled due to the rain....

I fEeL sO aLoNe. iTs JuSt Me cOmFoRtInG mYsElF, jUs Me aLL AlOnE. Jus me all alone. The emptiness inside me.......

Ah Ber is strong

Today I almost cried at work. Tears were welling up in my eyes and I was trying hard to control them. Used tissue a few times to dab my eyes silently luckily it was after office hours and not many people were in the office.

Today I started my day with a heavy heart cos yesterday my boss told me she's taking away one of my projects, in fact the 1st project I worked on when I joined the team. She's giving it to another new colleague. Actually I dun mind this but just within a day, my baby was gone. The things I have built up, the relationships I had with my candidates, everything I hands on with this project, was gone.

And the cruel truth was I had to train my new colleague and go thru with her everything I had learnt from scratch, everything I knew and transfer it to her. I know the supervisor there must be smiling cos she doesn't like me cos I am not obedient and I always fight for my staff's rights and that pisses her off.

I had to rush down to be a receptionist as I had 2 gals down. The supervisor was not very happy about me unable to get a replacement - she was just not happy about me la. Well. So my boss ask me to go down to be receptionist which I will obey. I just sat there feeling rotten cos if I had a choice I wouldn't wan to be there sitting next to the supervisor, next to someone who dun like me.

So I became a receptionist for a while. Then my boss brought my colleague down to undergo training there. I gladly showed her the ropes and reminded her on things that I experienced. With my sincere heart! Cos the 1 hour I spent there as a receptionist made me think clearly. If my team flourish, I will flourish too. I shouldn't take it to heart about such things, even though it is going to affect my gross profit and my commission. I know I have not trained myself to be so selfish yet.

I also had another revelation. I am going to further my studies next year and come back in a higher position and STEP on that bloody black bitch who is the supervisor. I cannot stand her as she is a fake, pretensious, sneaky, cunning, authoritative, BLOODY BITCH. She poach my gals whom I placed there as receptionist and ask them not to go thru me and offer them higher salary if they work for her as receptionist. Wat kind of christian is this? Luckily my relationship with my gals are quite ok. She also questioned someone about sending Halloween biscuits and say that christians should not celebrate halloween BUT SHE WILL EAT THE BISCUITS anyway. Bloody bitch.

Anyway I didnt almost cry over this issue.

My boss wanted me to take on another portfolio. No guidance, no coaching, just ask me jump into it like tat. Well Well Well. Then when I make mistakes she was very fierce to me.

But I take it as she was teaching me la. But I am not happy about the way she teach me. Why cannot teach or tell me nicely must be so fierce? I dun like fierce people cos I think they bully. She can even ask me if I "fu qi bu fu qi" (contented or not) about her scolding me. Well Well Well wat can I say?

And now that I have taken another portfolio (got choice meh?) I am going to get busier and I think my baby plans have to shift to next year or else I will risk a miscarriage like some of them do here.

After everything, she was nice to me again talking about holidays, trips and casual things. I know she dun really mean to be fierce, maybe she jus wan to see me cry or see me intimidated or scared. Of cos I will be scared la. But I wun give up so easily. I am Ah Ber. And Ah Ber is strong. I know I can do better and I know things will only improve. But I need to go to the temple QUICK cos things are getting really bad cos the whole team also not doing very well.

Well Well Well. Too bad la. Tomorrow is another day and I jus count my days and live them to the fullest.

I know kenji was very worried when he called and realised that 9plus I was still in the office. In fact when I stepped into the house almost 11pm he asked if I was ok cos I think my face must be really BLACK. Hahahahaha. I'm ok darling..... Luv you.

Holiday weekend

Spent a good deepavali holiday over the long weekend.

Sat was spent doing housework and slacking at home on the couch. Sunday Morning Kenji had a sudden urge to have curry rice at Jalan Besar so we brought the kids and ourselves to Jalan Besar for brunch.

After our romantic brunch we went to pet mart to swim. But Junior got attacked by big dogs who tot he was a rat. The big dogs just followed me everywhere and whenever I tried to put junior down they tried to pounce on him and junior tried to show teeth but he had only 1 set while the rest had many sets. So he ran for his dear life.

Mummy had to save him but too late - a big dog snapped him on his neck but luckily his skin and coat is thick. Only saliva and spit left on his neck. Daddy was so terrified that he held terror so tightly.

We decided to go to pet movers cos it's more friendly there. Junior played with the smaller dogs there and he was really happy. But he cant seem to forget coco cos he kept stalking a JRT.

As for Terror, the moment I put her down, she shrieked in terror and desperately ran for shelter and yelped for mummy to carry her. Think she is tramatised by the sunday outing. She refused to go down from my lap and mingle with the other dogs.

After Pet movers, brought junior to visit deedee toto and rusty. Dawn decided to adopt terror cos she is so damn cute!!! Hahaha.... Spent some time with them and then mummy brought junior and terror to botanical gardens for an evening picnic.

Junior barked at ALL dogs that he saw but he liked a MALE poodle. Stupid boy.

After the picnic mummy rushed home to settle them to sleep and go out with daddy to play mahjong and have dinner at Amoy street. I was amazed at the mahjong session cos Ah ber was really fantastic. The luck quite very good!!!!

Monday was spent at home slacking till we went for dinner at spring court at chinatown and went shopping there.....

Today the day was quite ok. Except certain things not very good but on the whole, it is quite good la..... :) Now waiting for yoga class...... Namaste.

Sunday day out with deedee rusty junior & terror.... 191008

Kuishinbo 191008

Here are the pictures that I owe Vicky...

The pictures were taken last sunday when we went to Kuishinbo to celebrate Jerry's birthday. In this post you can see the paternity love flowing out from Jerry. He surely has his way with kids and GIRLS OUT THERE - For a guy who likes kids and is jovial and adorable and gentleman and mature and will treatly you with lots of love, please let me know if you would like to know more about Jerry. :) No charge - I will charge Jerry.....

Actually Kenji also has fatherly figure hor....

Lao Gong & Lao Po

4 furkids brought me out

On sunday, 4 furkids brought me out. Junior suggested that we go to Pet Movers cos he wan to go see pretty mei meis there. Terror was excited too cos she wanted to go trim her nails at Pet Movers as well. Junior tot that since their nails needed trimming, maybe rusty and deedee and toto's nails needed trimming too cos they all cut it at the same time a few weeks ago.

So they pestered mummy (which happens to be me) to bring them to pet movers on the sunday afternoon. Godma (which happens to be me AGAIN) had to wrestle with rusty cos he was too excited to go out when he saw the leash being taken out. Deedee almost fainted from excitement when she heard her leash with the bell. Toto cried and whined cos he was already feeling car sick so Godma decided Toto should stay at home cos Godma alone cannot handle everyone.

So off we went to Pet Movers to get Rusty, Deedee, Junior and Terror's nails cut. After Pet movers, the kids decided to walk around at the Megastore cos they smell food there. Rusty and deedee were sooooooo well-behaved that 2 people commented that they were very very very kuai and good kids!!! But no one commented that junior and terror were good kids :(((((

As time was not on my side cos I only had 1.5hours to shop and cut nails and send them back to punggol, I had to rush back cos needed to visit my aunty at hospital. Brought toto downstairs for a short walk cos he didnt manage to go pet movers and still wondering how to get his nails cut.....

Then after visiting my aunty at hospital and even had my bath at the hospital (shhhhhhhhh). My aunty staying in A1 got private toilet ma. So I brought my clothes and bathed there lor.

I went to suntec for dinner with the TFT to celebrate Jerry's birthday. Jerry was in a happy mood cos he had a kid to play with. Vicky brought her boy boy and I ended up being Gan Ma (also known as Godma - heehee). Isaiah is only 2.5 years old but he can call me soooooooooooo sweetly Gaaaaaaaaaaan Maaaaaaaaaaa. Can melt leh....

Being a Gan Ma is not easy ok, need to feed him dinner, play with him, entertain him and he is very very very very clever ok. He is definately cleverer than me cos I kena con by him a few times like opening my mouth to feed me sushi. Ok, you may think why I still complain when I got sushi to eat. He eats the egg on top and feed me ALL the plain rice!!!! So I say, YOU WIN!!!

Met Mike for the 2nd time but didnt talk with him cos busy entertaining the kid..... sorry ah angie......next round we tok tok tok tok tok ok hahahahahahaa....

Planning to go for a short trip to dunno where yet. Need to have a break....

Tomorrow is yoga day!!!! YEAH!!!!

I am sorry

It has been a weekly routine for the past couple of months where I will wash the punggol kitchen on every saturday by myself. I will put the dogs in the living room, splash water with floor cleaner and scrub the kitchen floors. Because during the week due to a tight schedule I dun really pay attention to the floors. I only feed and clear the newspapers and maybe mop once or twice.

So saturdays are the days when I have a bit more time on my hands to scrub the kitchen. These 2 weeks has been a tiring and trying week as I have been feeding and cleaning up after them by myself except only on monday when I had help.

I am not inhumane. Even though wed I had yoga class till past midnite I still went to feed them. I am sorry cos I have not been feeding them on a regular basis and they might be thinner than they were before but I really tried as much as I could handle. I dun know wat to say except sorry cos I know I didnt do my best for them.

I am really glad that the daddy and mummy are coming home soon cos at least they have someone to take care of them properly again.

I am having backaches again the disc must have slipped again. But I believe yoga will help me. Maybe I should stop mopping and see if wat happens.

My 2nd aunt needs to continue her stay in the hospital due to her heart.

Although sometimes she is very stingy and sometimes I dun like the way she do things, but whenever I heard she is admitted to hospital, my heart always skip a beat. I dun like to go hospitals, I hate it everytime I have to go, but I always think how scared, nervous, worried, lonely the person hospitalized is.

No matter how much I dun like someone I realise, actually I still like them and when they get into trouble or anything, I will be there. Just like my aunt, she is the one I always oppose and the one whom I always talk back to because I dun agree with her most of the time. But now when I heard she is hospitalised, I felt nervous, I felt worried because she is my family member and I do not wish for anything to happen to her because I care about her.

Will be going down later to visit her at the hospital.

Letting go

Last time I realised I didnt let go when memories still flood my brain and emotions still flood my heart. I let myself think, I let myself immerse in the overwhelming emotions in my heart. In other words, I let my mind and my heart control myself.

I smiled when I tot of beautiful memories. My heart ached when I tot of the sad memories. My emotions went on roller coaster ride because I am not able to control them. Then I tried to stop thinking. But when the tots came and the feelings came, they all came together in a big bang cos they were suppressed and they all attacked me together. When i am hit by them I cannot breathe. I am helpless. This feeling became my best friend. I became so used to this feeling that I yearned for the feeling. i actually yearned for this heart-wrenching, racked with pain, sadness and desperation, a feeling for need, a feeling to be wanted, a feeling of lost.....

I never knew wat was happiness because I was too focused, too deeply rooted, too familiar, too used with the sadistic feeling. I just wanted to feel pain. Because I was hurting so much. I wanted more hurt so that people will start to empathise with me, they will start to notice me, pay attention to me, sayang me......

But I will not gain respect or love from them. Because they are just pitying me.

Meanwhile the world still turns and the clock still runs. I knew I had to let go. But it took soooooooooo damn long. It didnt take me 5mins nor 5hours nor 5years. But I am free now. Because most importantly I did not lose myself. I can lose everything. I can lose love. But I cannot lose myself. Because if I lose even myself, no hope liao, gone case liao.

I no longer bask myself in the familiar feeling. When tots come, I will smile because I used to have love by my side. When tots come, I will smile because I know I have let go and I will smile because I know I am happy and I am able to face things that come into my path. When th unhappy tots come, i will smile because I tell myself its all over now and they can no longer hurt me.

Smiling is better than crying. Cos tears will blur your vision. Smiles can light up your life. Try it. Go smile at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you are good, you are beautiful, you can do it, You are You, And I LOVE YOU.

Trust me your day will be better from this day onwards.

Ok. ah ber is really really really really tired cos I am blabbering nonsense already. Cant be helped cos ah ber in writing mode today and cannot stop leh..... but i enjoy writing these things cos I feel PMS has lifted away from me!!!!! Thank you for my period today.....

Good Nite, Wan An.

Naming the poem contest

If you want to hurt me
Make sure you cut it through the vein
Let the blood run free
Because I will feel no pain

It took me a long time to heal
And i always wonder why
It took me a long time to feel
As I look up into the sky

Because I never let you go
It was me holding on
Because you would never let me know
How you cheat and con

I told my heart
I do not love you
Each time memories tear it apart
I realised our time's due

I lost you by my side
I knew I can no longer hold
Part of me died
Part of me grew cold

But I moved on with my life
Because you were no longer mine
Even though initally things took a nose dive
My happines I started to find

I am past the time I rush to care
I have other priorities set
Come and test me, you I dare
My happiness, my life, my future, met

Ber 171008

Ok this doesn;t really make sense but given the stress and the the fatigue and the sleepiness weighing on my eyelids, I think its fairly good. I just suddenly would like to write a poem and I cracked this out within 10mins so i think I am quite good already.

Naming the poem contest - who can give a good name to this poem wins a dinner from me.

Blabbering nonsense

Been very tired these past 2 weeks. Realised that to be kind to others is to be cruel to yourself. Today I went back to office finally after 2 weeks and joined the rest in team building activity tht started from 6pm to 9plus. My colleagues all find me very alien cos they have not seen me in weeks and I am really outdated with wat's going on in the office. But I really enjoyed myself cos I like these activities that are fun and I love to participate in these things.

And it was really worth it cos our team won 1 contest which has a payout of $500/- and I am getting a share of $50!!!!! Yeah!!!!!! We won the award to be the most united team!!!!! Yeah Team 1!!!!! Feeling so happy cos got to have fun and they have buffet dinner too!!!!!

I signed up for the yoga class on Wednesdays at bradel so every wed I have excuse to leave office early!!!!! ;) Every wed i going to swim, Yoga and eat and sleep. hahahaha.

Had lots of talks with kenji the past week discussing about things. Glad to know he is seeing things my way and standing on my end.

Looking forward to my long and far overseas trip this december but not very glad that its gonna be during christmas time. I made kenji promise to buy me turkey, shephard's pie and christmas dinner there. He needs to have christmas tree, wine, christmas present (but not from china one ok) for me too.

This is the 1st year I am not celebrating christmas with my family at bradel. Feels so weird. Feel got no christmas spirit. But I am still going xiamen cos its so cool to go with my hubby ok. I am looking forward to it in fact!!!!

Had a misunderstanding with Rina last week but glad it is ok now. Mum I am not angry with you. And I love you very much. And I am not drunk when I am typing this!!!! :)

Been stressed over work but when was I NEVER stressed?? Hahahaha.

Some people say that friends tell you what you NEED to hear and those who are not really your friends tell you wat you LIKE to hear. Not true la. I have a friend who scolds me, who criticise me, who tells me wat I should do - all supposingly for my own good. And in the end I decided I dun wan to see her again. Cos I believe in my own life. My life not the same like yours doesn't mean its not good. It could be better cos you do not how to enjoy life given the way your life is.

She has 2 kids and she expects that I should have kids and blah blah blah blah - she said that when I bought terror means I not going to have kids and blah blah blah blah. Who the fuck she is to criticise me? I love dogs but doesn't mean I dun love kids. I wan to strangle my godson sometimes but doesn't mean I dun love him and doens't mean I wun consider having kids. She really pissed me off with this sentence and thanks to this sentence I told myself I am not going to meet up with her in the next 2 months and I just called off the dinner this week cos I cannot be bothered to meet up with her. Why should i subject myself to torture and cringe everytime I am suppose to meet up with her?

On the pretext that she cares and concern about me, she will wan to meet for dinner. Actual fact everytime we meet she is the one who talk most. She will grumble about her husband, grumble bout her mother-in-law, grumble when we tell her things (like the case about terror). She like to boast about her kids, boast about how much the hubby loves her by giving her money and buying her things and boast about her successful weight lost and good facial recommendations. All cos she wan to hear us praise her for good skin and say we envy her.

And I dunno how my other friend can bother to entertain her. She jus kaypo about my life to see if my life is better than hers? Or she just flaunt her LVs in front of me. I was seriously so tempted to buy myself an LV cos I wan to shut her up. But then I decided NOT to buy LV. And if she's gonna ask me again why I didnt buy the LV I said I wanted to buy..... I jus gonna answer her that why I need to spend this bloody amount for 1 stupid bag when I can buy 10 bags with the same amount of money and keep changing my bags each time? If I dun have money, I will buy lesser bags and save part of the money. But If i no money can I eat the LV? She say can re-sell cos got value.

I certainly dun wan to go to that stage when I am forced to sell my LV to feed myself. So wat type of status LV will bring you? Will it bring you money? Nope. Will it bring you love? Nope. Will it bring you hope? Nope. Will it bring you bread? Maybe lor.

I am not against people who buy LV. I think LV brand is very nice, prestigious and high-class. But cos she is holding on to LV that spoilt the brand. She thinks having LV she is high-class. I tell you bitch, if your attitude can win people over, that is high-class. You are low class without good attitude. You dun even know how to treat your friends properly. Wat fuckin class do you have?

I do not respect people who treat friends lousy. Cos your friends are the people in your life, the people you turn to when you need help, the people who are nice to you, the people who love you. So I do not respect people who do not know how to treat friends properly. If you do not know how to love your friends, then you do not know love at all.

And I hate selfish people who only think about themselves and everything about themselves. if you are so great, why are you here? Go mix with the stars la. Even stars get criticised when they start getting a bad attitude. So attitude is very important in our lives. A good attitude can bring you very far in your life and your attitude is the key to survival, the key to a good life.

Ok, I am very shag today that is why I am blabbering nonsense.

I read kerin's blog and she mentioned her grandma in hospital. Hope grandma get well soon. Hope my aunty get well soon too cos she is in hospital today too.

Good nite.

Next post shall be a poem....