I AM SORRY

He came down to my place to try to explain things. While I appreciate his sincerity, I dun like the tone he presented his explanation in.

He jus tried to explain things. That's all. I dun need to go into details because I'm sure most of the people reading this here should have already received his email and should know his intentions are pure and good and I am jus being unreasonable. Because everyone trusted him except me.

Ok. I am jus being a spoilt-brat. I am hanging myself up to sell (吊起来卖), except that I am nothing worth. I am jus a useless piece of junk. I know rina's going to kill me when she read this. But its true mum. I am trying to bargain for my piece of self-worth when I am worthless.

My 1st bf went into a relationship with me, with the intention of punishing me cos he thinks I'm two-timing people (水性杨花) and I disturb the guys and he wanted to punish me for that. Although he changed his mind later and said he really loved me, I broke up with him all the same. From then on, trust became very fragile.

And due to the adolescent age that we were going thru, trust was broken many times between friends due to our rebelliousness and not knowing the true value of trust. Where was trust?

My marriage failed because of trust. Because he promised never to send her back again. And he broke that trust 3 times when I saw his car turning into her carpark. Kenji, why I gave him 3 chances.... because he was my husband....... and there were more committments and responsibilities tat came together with marriage....

Till that very day when he didnt trust me when I was at my friend's dad's funeral helping out, he said he had enough and I can go. I trusted that he would understand. I trusted that he would support my cause. But he didnt. He told me to go. So I left, and I never looked back since.

I cannot help the familiar wave of Deja Vu washing over me when he said he was at changi village and yet his car was parked at Novena. There were many venues he could choose to execute his plan. Yet he chose this, with many reasons or should I say, excuses, to support his way of doing them.

I admit I didnt have a good 1st impression of her when I 1st met her. And I dun know her well. And I have told myself countless of times that things will never happen because his cousin liked her and he's a person of integrity and honesty and that is wat drawn him to me.... and things will not happen because they will not cross the line, all the more cos they are now colleagues. I finally crossed that hurdle of COLLEAGUES.

And I have mentioned that I dun think both of you have anything going on between, I jus cannot accept the lying part. Because on that nite, he lied not only once, but he lied a few times. And the lies he told, dun make sense and dun fit any picture. Yes, everyone knows his reason for lying, his intentions were pure and good and everyone thinks he deserves a 2nd chance. Or maybe some even think he was not in the wrong.

Then who is thinking for me? Who knows the hurt I have gone thru and the trust I have slowly built up that just shattered away.... You all may not know, BUT HE KNOWS, and he still chose the path he took on sat....

He ended the talk tonite on trust. He mentioned that if there is no trust, the relationship cannot work out. Yes, he is rite. I am wrong. I am the one in the wrong cos I didnt trust him when everyone else trusted him, I am the one who is on the other side of the line, the ONLY ONE who didnt trust him. Mind you, he didnt lie to you, he LIED TO ME.

So I am the one with the problem. I am the one with the problem of not trusting. I AM SORRY that your surprise was spoilt by me because I didnt trust you and I was overly-suspicious and I AM SORRY that I maligned you and your colleague and I AM SORRY that things were not going as you planned and I AM TRULY, UTTERLY SORRY for being the manipulator of this whole issue and deciding on whether we should break or continue. And I AM SORRY that because I am so sensitive, I am contributing to your actions of lying and I AM SORRY that I actually caused you to lie and caused everyone else anxiety and guilt that was supposed to mine NOW. And I AM SORRY you have to seriously consider if you wan to take in this worthless piece of junk back, to show your sympathy towards me and maybe marry me.....

I AM SORRY IT'S ALL MY FAULT. Do watever you all wan. Curse me, hate me, do anything that will make you feel better. I AM SORRY to cause everyone so much distress. I swear not to be a burden to anyone of you anymore and I will not be so hard. I AM SORRY I WAS SO HARSH AND HARD and SO IMPULSIVE. I AM SORRY that I was being so difficult and acting like a bitch.

I seriously dun deserve all the care and concern you all gave me. Because I AM NOT WORTH IT.

PS: PMS high alert...... Stay away..... Leave me alone. I am going crazy.