Internal struggle

There are so much for me to think about. There's an internal struggle going on inside me..... like fighting a war between things I dun like to do and things I have to do...

I prided myself in knowing him quite well. In fact, we are very similiar in character and almost everything except he is a MAN. And I know MAN very well too I guess.... Ok, actually I dun. A part of me really wan to believe in him, but my other part of me questions everything.

Illogical part
This part of me is definately not my mind, its my heart. If without my mind, I guess my heart will jus go to him and believe in everything he said. But too bad, my mind is stopping the heart from being stupid.... cos the heart is soft while the mind can be hard.

I realised that I do love him after 2 years together and he is still the one I wan. I can choose to believe that he really cocked up. And believe that he is the one that I am sure he is. And that he deserves a 2nd chance and I deserve a 2nd chance with him and 2nd chance for myself.

We have come thru so much, there should be reasons why we should still be together. And since we started neither of us wanted this to stop till the end.... BUT....

Logical Part
There are still so many questions in my mind, which is the logical part of me that questions everything. And many questions for the future as well. It is true that no matter who my next bf is, if I basically dun trust MAN then my next r/s will be a disaster too, unless he is able to prove to me with his sincerity and really win me over with trust....

Is he still the same guy I know 2 years back or is he jus a MAN? There are so many question marks in my head, can the logical me erase them and trust him based on trust and love? Was wat I saw and heard really wat they were, and were they really wat they were? And wat if there was still more to it?

Can I really give him a 2nd chance and live with this incident between us? Can I really trust him again? Will there be more cover-ups in future because everyone knows I am hyper sensitive? If another threat comes along, will they have already learnt how to wipe their mouth after being greedy? (haha)

I guess I am very inferior of myself. If I were confident of myself, no one can shake my confidence rite? Will everything be the same again (definately not)? Will we make it or break it if we continue?

See the internal struggle between my logical and illogical side? Actually no one knows wat will happen if we continue. And I have always been telling people, you wun know until you try, but somehow I dunno how to apply to myself.... heehee.... Guess I AM A SCARDY CAT LIKE MY SON....

Ultimately I know the people concerned about us, their only concern is about our happiness. People who really love us, will only care if we are happy or not, with or without each other. They dun really bother if we are with or without each other, as long as we are happy, i'm sure they are contented.

My mum told me, better think carefully. Dun end up in divorce again. I told her, divorce is not a big issue. But wat I didnt tell her, is that I might not be able to pick myself up and rebuild my confidence, trust, love, care, courage, belief foundation again......
我不是每次失恋后都能重新再来 - YEAH. I can finally sing 被爱的女人 to the end without breaking my voice (a bit la).... but only kelly's version ok... coco lee one too high already....

So, I am still seriously thinking of the stuff he has been telling me since today.....