Letting go

Last time I realised I didnt let go when memories still flood my brain and emotions still flood my heart. I let myself think, I let myself immerse in the overwhelming emotions in my heart. In other words, I let my mind and my heart control myself.

I smiled when I tot of beautiful memories. My heart ached when I tot of the sad memories. My emotions went on roller coaster ride because I am not able to control them. Then I tried to stop thinking. But when the tots came and the feelings came, they all came together in a big bang cos they were suppressed and they all attacked me together. When i am hit by them I cannot breathe. I am helpless. This feeling became my best friend. I became so used to this feeling that I yearned for the feeling. i actually yearned for this heart-wrenching, racked with pain, sadness and desperation, a feeling for need, a feeling to be wanted, a feeling of lost.....

I never knew wat was happiness because I was too focused, too deeply rooted, too familiar, too used with the sadistic feeling. I just wanted to feel pain. Because I was hurting so much. I wanted more hurt so that people will start to empathise with me, they will start to notice me, pay attention to me, sayang me......

But I will not gain respect or love from them. Because they are just pitying me.

Meanwhile the world still turns and the clock still runs. I knew I had to let go. But it took soooooooooo damn long. It didnt take me 5mins nor 5hours nor 5years. But I am free now. Because most importantly I did not lose myself. I can lose everything. I can lose love. But I cannot lose myself. Because if I lose even myself, no hope liao, gone case liao.

I no longer bask myself in the familiar feeling. When tots come, I will smile because I used to have love by my side. When tots come, I will smile because I know I have let go and I will smile because I know I am happy and I am able to face things that come into my path. When th unhappy tots come, i will smile because I tell myself its all over now and they can no longer hurt me.

Smiling is better than crying. Cos tears will blur your vision. Smiles can light up your life. Try it. Go smile at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you are good, you are beautiful, you can do it, You are You, And I LOVE YOU.

Trust me your day will be better from this day onwards.

Ok. ah ber is really really really really tired cos I am blabbering nonsense already. Cant be helped cos ah ber in writing mode today and cannot stop leh..... but i enjoy writing these things cos I feel PMS has lifted away from me!!!!! Thank you for my period today.....

Good Nite, Wan An.